Mentoring and goals

After talking with another participant tonight, I’ve realized that I’ve gotten off track. In only a month, I’ve started playing a role and hiding behind a façade. This is what I always do. When things get too hard, when people get too close, when things get too real, I retreat to the roles that I am expected to play. Energetic, rational scientist. Steady, unemotional Carina. When Sister Anne told me that one of the reasons that I was chosen for this course was to provide the rational thinking perspective, my façade was set into place. I am the scientist in the group. The problem is that I’m not sure that I want to be a scientist anymore. At least not a career researching scientist. If I decide that’s what I want at the end of the year, I have the ability to do that. My networking skills are good. I can set up a job for myself. I can find the people to help me. What I need are people to help me figure out what I really want. What am I really about? I’m sure that I was meant to be a doctor, but I got off track a long time ago. I took the path that was easiest at the time, and changed the course of my life. I have thought about going to medical school now, but after careful reflection, I don’t think that’s a great idea for many reasons. My main reason for wanting to be a doctor is that I have a need to help people. Personally and immediately…not through research or a far removed idea.

I need to do this without sacrificing my family. I have two young children that still need me. I don’t want to ever feel that I haven’t given them everything that I possibly can. So I need a career that will allow me flexible working hours and time to be with my kids when they aren’t in school.

This year is about learning to stop playing the roles that everyone expects me to play. About lifting the façade that I am so good at putting in place. About finding the emotional component of my career. And learning how to be a better person in this world.